Soulless Soul Mates
by Persephone Price
Summary: When Loki becomes too much for Asgard to handle, he is sent to Olympus. Set after Avengers, semi Loki/Eris pairing.
1. A Chance Encounter: Part I

_**Author's Note: **_**Hey everyone, this started out as a one-shot, but I think I'm going to make a series of one-shots out of it because I really love Loki/Eris. I tried searching to see if something like this had been done before, but I couldn't find anything... So, I decided to do it myself. To those of you who read my other stories, DON'T WORRY, I will be continuing them soon. Don't take this as evidence of me abandoning my other stuff. That said, I hope you all enjoy this! I love Greek mythology, so this pairing just seemed to make sense to me.  
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**Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
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**A Chance Encounter: Part I**

He had left his home, the only one he had ever known (and yet not the one he was meant to call home), in shame. And he returned in chains.

Dragged, like cattle, by his thuggish older brother. They gave him a muzzle – a _muzzle _– because he's dangerous. But not _really_ because he's dangerous (which he certainly is) – but because they don't want to see him smirk. Because he smirks – always smirks – even in defeat. He mocks them, and rightly so.

It's ironic, really, that the cleverest Asgardian is not Asgardian at all. I don't know what that says about the species as a whole, but it can't be anything good.

They'd punish him themselves, but he's too much of a liability. He's slipped through their fingers too many times before, outwitted them more than their pride can endure.

So, they're sending him to us. Ha! Mistake number one. Oh, but it's such a lovely mistake. A glorious mistake. Think of the fun we're going to have…

He arrives in a gilded cage, like the royal prisoner he was always destined to be.

Oh, my parents – mainly my father – they will punish him. Of course they will. In fact, they'll probably have my boorish brother do it. He does ever so _love_ a good torturing. So angry, all the time – I imagine he's quite like Thor, actually.

And he and I are _ever so_ alike.

Yes, I'm a princess. Just as he is a prince. My brother is a fool and a prince, just like his.

My parents are the king and queen.

And soon we shall meet.

It's funny, you know, when two clever people meet. You might think they'd clash – indeed, if you put Thor and Ares together in a room, some sort of idiotic scuffle would be unavoidable. But that is only because Thor and Ares are not clever.

Oh no, no, no, Loki and I will not fight. Clever people _enjoy_ other clever people.

When he arrives, I am there. I do not know if he sees me. I do not know if he knows of me. But if he does not, he will soon enough.

We keep him in the basement of the palace. It's a dark, cavernous place. I call it a basement, but everyone else refers to it as a dungeon. It's really not a dungeon, though. Dungeons are dank and smelly. No, no, the basement is just as garish as the rest of Olympus. Gold everywhere. Tapestries. Torture devices fashioned by Hephaestus himself (because really, what dungeon would be complete without them?).

I can hear his screams, sometimes, when I'm milling about the palace. Oh, but they're hardly screams – shrieks of laughter would be more accurate. I smile to myself at the sound. It's music to my ears.

It's on the third day that I decide it's finally time to make my grand entrance, to introduce myself. I walk down the ivory marble staircase, spiraling, spiraling, at a time when I know no one is around.

He's sat against the wall of his cell, but not in the corner. His legs are long, spiderlike; his feet hit the floor, but bent knees do not touch the bench. He stares straight ahead. I know he hears me approach.

"Hellooooo, love!" I greet dramatically.

Emerald eyes snap to watch me as I approach. He quirks a single dark eyebrow. He does not speak, and I soon discover that this is because his lips are sewn shut with a golden thread.

It is my turn to raise an eyebrow. "Ares has gotten creative, I see," I mutter wryly. With a snap of my manicured fingers, the thread disappears without a trace.

"Who are you?" he asks bluntly, mirth lacing his tone. He takes in my appearance and I bask in his wandering gaze.

"You mean to say that you don't know who I am, dear Loki?"

He finally breaks out into a wolfish smile. Oh good, he likes me already. "I'm afraid I haven't yet had the pleasure. What is your name, you exquisite creature?"

"You flatter me, darling. My name is Eris – I am the daughter of Zeus and Hera."

"Ah, and the sister of Ares, no doubt."

"Indeed, pretty thing." I wonder if the pet names bother him. I hope they do.

"Then I daresay, we have _much_ in common." His voice sounds deliciously suggestive and I twirl a lustrous golden lock around my index finger. I would bat my eyelashes, but I don't want to lay it on _too _thick.

"Oh, I know!" I exclaim enthusiastically, strolling right up to the bars. "Very much indeed…"

He jumps up from his seat to meet me. We are standing nearly nose-to-nose as his wraps his spindly fingers around the bars above mine. He meets my Cheshire grin with one of his own.

"It's like looking in a mirror," I murmur happily, reaching my hand out and studying his face with my fingertips.

"My sentiments exactly," he agrees. He does not flinch under my touch, but rather embraces it and tilts his head wickedly.

I phase into his cell with him.

"Incredible," he chuckles, "You can do that too?"

"Can you?"

"Indeed."

"Hm. Then why haven't you escaped?"

"Oh, escaping so soon would be terribly _dull_. I like to let them think they're winning before I crush them."

"That's simply delightful! You really are a man after my own heart." I step closer to him and we circle each other in a sort of tango.

He beams and says, "Why, oh _why_, don't we have one of you back on Asgard?"

"'Cause I'm the one and only, love."

He ignores this. "So," he starts energetically, "why have you come?"

"Because I wanted to meet you, of course!"

"I have a feeling there's more to it than that," he presses. His tone is just short of scolding and I love it.

"Wouldn't you, though," I tease. "I was just holed up in my little palace, innocently thinking to myself, 'You know, that Loki character seems like an interesting kind of guy. I should go meet him.' And voila, here I am!"

His smirk is unwavering and his eyes are shining with glee.

"Okay, okay," I concede, "I think we both know what's going on here. It's obvious. We're meant to be! Goddess of Discord and Strife, Lord of Mischief and Lies, it's a match made in… Well, you get the idea. So, what do you say?"

"My pet, you need not even ask! On my own, I am trouble enough – but the two of us _together_? The notion is simply divine."

"Yes, my darling trickster, I thought you might agree. But there are so many places where we may wreak havoc…"

"I propose we first and fore mostly pay a visit to Midgard."

"Midgard?"

"It is referred to as 'Earth' in its indigenous tongue," he explains.

"Oh yes, I am _quite _familiar with this place." I cannot help but smile as I reminisce about the various wars I've caused on the planet in question. The Trojan War _was_ one of my finer moments – I even got the other royals involved in the whole debacle. They were all taking sides and making bets – Dionysus even engaged in a drunken brawl with Apollo, if I'm remembering correctly.

"Your expression leads me to believe that you have already brought some manner of mishap down up the Midgardians," he says appreciatively.

"Yes, I have. And I _believe_," I start flirtatiously, "that you have, too. Quite recently, in fact."

"Indeed, I do have some unfinished business to take care of. Things hit a bit of a snag before, but I have no doubt that – with your help – I will be able to rectify the situation."

I trail my fingers up his lean chest and he seems positively tickled. However, he does not make any attempt to reciprocate physical contact. This won't do…

Thinking aloud, I say, "Ah yes, you _are_ Jotun, aren't you?"

He seems taken aback by this abrupt change in topic, but only for a moment. "Is really it fair that you know more of me than I of you?" he counters with a question of his own.

"So cold," I tut whist disregarding his comment. The briefest flash of injury crosses his features and I do not restrain myself from grinning smugly.

With impressive speed, one lithe hand is around my throat and he has me squeezed against the bars of the cell. I don't bother teleporting out of his grasp, because I know this is going to be good. I pout expectantly, eagerly waiting for him to respond.

"You'd be surprised," he begins, baring his lower teeth menacingly as he speaks, "just how _wrong _stereotypes can be." Suddenly, his skin turns blue, and his eyes crimson. Oh, so _that's_ what a Frost Giant looks like?

I release a melodious giggle. "You know," I purr, "they call you Silvertongue…"

Back to his normal self, he lets me go and I drop to my feet. He looms several inches above me, peering down through his lashes. His self-satisfied smirk has been restored.

"Was that anger, just then?"

"No, of course not, my love," he fluidly dismisses. "I do not feel anger, only frustration with others' stupidity."

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"Certainly not. Don't be absurd, pet." His grin tells me otherwise. He's so _pretty_. Never had I had so much fun playing with the boys in Olympus.

"Loki, Loki, Loki, I do believe we are going to be the _best_ of friends," I sing. My words are truthful, but my tone is not.

"I agree," he answers huskily, swiftly pulling my body to his. That's more like it, Frosty.

I weave my arms around his neck, over his slick brown tendrils. He had an odd hairstyle, but I didn't mind it.

Before he can get too comfortable, though, I pull back, out of his grip. I want to leave him wanting more.

I extend my hand, palm up – soon, my beloved golden apple materializes. "So Midgard, you say?"

He raises his brows in half-surprise. "Where did you get _that_?" he questions.

"Oh this little thing? I like to call it the Apple of Discord. Surely you've heard of the marriage of Peleus and Thetis?"

"I am not familiar with Midgardian history, no."

"It caused the Trojan War, darling. But if that means nothing to you…"

"That is an Apple of Idun," he points out. "How did you come by it?"

I bare my pearly white teeth in a grin. "Are you impressed?"

He matches my smile. "Indeed I am, my love. My father would be most displeased with you."

"Which one?" I counter. Ah, the anger is back. But only for a second – I would have missed it if I'd blinked. His heritage is clearly a sore subject; I'll have to keep that in mind to use later on…

"I _am_ Loki Odinson," he states.

"Or are you Loki Laufreyson?"

"I killed Laufrey as he was about to kill Odin. I have chosen my father."

I only smirk. "You know what they say, love – 'you can't choose family.' Believe me, many things would be different if I could."

"I am not just anyone. I am Loki Odinson, one of the most powerful beings in the realm. _I_ can choose my family."

"Oh pooh, did I ruffle your feathers? I didn't mean to, allow me to extend my deepest apologies. Now, now, let's get going to Earth. My dolt of a brother might be back at any moment…"

"Indeed, let's."

He takes my hand in his, and together we teleport onto the unfortunate planet. Upon our arrival, he is once again clothed in his customary green war garments, helmet and all. I smirk. I must look horribly anticlimactic in comparison, as I'm wearing only my ivory toga and gold diadem.

The moment the mortals lay eyes on him, they erupt in screams. Perhaps I have underestimated his infamy – it seems he's made _quite _the lasting impression, and I have to admit that he has both my affection _and _my respect. He should be proud, as this is a harrowing feat – but I knew he wouldn't be, which only bolstered these sentiments.

I throw my apple into the frenzied crowd and the ground beneath their feet begins to crumble. New shrieks ring out, and Loki beams.

"This is the beginning of a _beautiful_ relationship," he tells me.

I can't help but agree.

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_**Author's Note:**_** Thanks so much for reading :) Please review!**


	2. A Chance Encounter: Part II

**_Author's Note: _Hope you enjoy! Thanks to Byron12 and DhampyrX2 for reviewing!**

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**A Chance Encounter: Part II**

We are on Earth for a grand total of one fortnight. During this time, I have met some formidable characters, including my beloved Loki's brother, the brutish Thor. I see them interact and I understand perfectly – I understand the conflict, the frustration, and the envy, for I have felt it all myself. My brother Ares is much admonished as a warrior hero, while I am the forgotten daughter of an unfaithful king and a bitchy queen. If only it weren't so, if only we were not spurned by our respective homelands. We only seek recognition. But we were blessed with a cunningness that these fools cannot begin to imagine.

There is one who comes close, one who I grow to admire. He calls himself Tony Stark. But alas, he is a mortal. His power is rooted solely in his intellect, which I respect, but he is still a mere human. His morality is tenuous. With the right push… Under the right circumstances… He could be great. _We_ could make him great. Even the purest of souls can be contaminated, and his is far from pure. It would not take much to compromise his virtue, to send him to the brink. Her name is Pepper Potts, and she is the key.

There are others, as well. The Hulk. 'Tis a great and stupid beast, but its sheer size is power enough. Loki particularly dislikes this one.

Captain America. The name is ridiculous. _His_ soul, unlike Tony's, appears to be unblemished as freshly fallen snow. He can be corrupted, but not quite yet. He must first develop a weakness, he must first find someone to love. And then we will rip her away from him.

There is one who shoots arrows and a woman in black leather, but they do not concern me.

Loki and I cause a delightful amount of damage. Metropolises become our playgrounds, and we reduce them to ashes. But we are not unopposed. No, the "Avengers" try to stop us.

And eventually, they do. It is a regrettable and unfortunate turn of events. Loki is angry, angry with me, angry with himself, angry with the fact that we have failed, that he has failed, _again._

We are sent away, this time to Asgard. I do not know what these people will make of me. I am curious. I _want_ to see what they will do with us, how they will punish our insolence. I am excited. This excites me, this drama. This is chaos. This is my lifeblood.

Because we have not failed, not really. The destruction we have wrought is unparalleled. I could never have dreamed of causing such torment – this all made the Trojan War look like child's play.

Loki does not see it this way. Rage burns deep within him, but it does not manifest itself. Not yet.

"My love," I try as we are roughly thrust through the gates of Asgard, "You mustn't think of this as a failure. This is merely the start. We will try again. We will exhaust them. They are mortals. _We_ have all the time in the world."

He accepts my words, but does not respond to them.

We are brought before Odin's throne, and I grin like a maniac just to disquiet him. He reminds me much of my own father, but he is older. Weaker. Something dawns on me then, something monumental.

Loki's time approaches. He does not know it yet. No one does. But soon, it will come down to him and Thor. And Loki will prevail.

Our hands are bound behind our backs and we are shoved to our knees before the throne.

"Hello, father," Loki sneers.

"Silence!" Thor booms, cuffing the back of his head forcefully.

"It is alright, my son, you may let him speak. What do you have to say for yourself, Loki?"

"Not much," he baits.

"Then I shall begin – how did you escape from Olympus?"

"Must I really answer?" he retorts acidly, motioning to me with a cock of his head.

"Ah, I see. And who are you, vile woman?"

"They call me Eris," I respond with a pervading air of boredom.

"You are the princess? You are the daughter of Zeus and Hera?"

"That would be correct."

"Why would you aid such a fiend? He was sent to your home to be punished, and yet deliberately defy your parents' wishes and release him – why?"

"Why not?" I counter with a smirk and a quirked eyebrow.

"I see," he says gravely, "You are much like my son."

"So I'm your son now, am I?" Loki spits.

Odin's expression softens, but his tone remains unwaveringly firm. "You were always my son, Loki. I may have difficulty with you, but you will always be my son."

Instead of quelling Loki's fury, this seems only to provoke it. His nostrils flare and his eyes hold a glint of unadulterated hatred. I step in.

"To be fair," I start slyly, "I didn't even come close to reaching my true potential before I met your son. He really has a gift."

In one look, Odin clearly conveys that he despises me. I almost shudder, _almost_. But I must save face for Loki. "The two of you obviously comprise a toxic union," he begins, "I wonder what your loving wife Sigyn would have to say about this, Loki."

The man in question raises his eyebrows, but more in amusement than surprise.

"_Wife_?" I hiss. I did not know that Loki had a wife. However, I suppose it doesn't matter. This knowledge wouldn't have affected my conduct in any way whatsoever.

"Are you jealous, my love?" he asks. This time, he does indeed sound genuinely surprised.

I only scoff, not willing to grace his absurdity with a reply. Or is it just denial? I can never be sure…

Soon, a proud-looking woman steps forth from behind Odin's throne. She has flowing raven hair and skin the color of ice. Her eyes are sapphires. She is beautiful, but no more beautiful than I. We are both goddesses; choosing which is more attractive is entirely a matter of preference.

The only problem is, I do not know which Loki prefers. I wait for their interaction with baited breath.

"Hello, husband," she says coolly. Her tone is morose. I immediately realize that she and I are nothing alike, and Loki and I are exactly alike… I feel almost relieved... Loki _is_ a narcissist, after all...

"Hello, _dear_," he replies condescendingly.

The tension is clear. Odin grins and says, "Thor, perhaps we ought to leave these three alone for several minutes?"

"But father – the prisoners might escape," he protests.

"Ah, Thor, I am quite sure that they will not be going anywhere. Surely we can spare them several minutes." Begrudgingly, Thor gives in and follows his father like a loyal dog. _Fitting, they are of equal intelligence_, I muse.

"Who is this?" Sigyn questions tersely. She is asking her husband, but she is referring to me.

"Eris," I snap. "Ever so pleased to make your acquaintance. I would shake your hand, but… Well, you know." I give her a mocking smile that quite indelicately signifies, _I'm sleeping with your husband and I feel no remorse._

She sniffs self-righteously and turns to her husband with sad eyes. "What is this, Loki?" Her voice is so pleading it's pathetic. Loki thinks the same, and winces.

"What do you think, Sigyn?"

"Why?"

He lets out a bark of genuine laughter. "You can't be serious – you thought – you think – surely not?" he chokes between laughs, "You can't actually believe that I _loved_ you?"

She clutches her hand to her heart as if he has physically wounded her. Crystal tears begin to form in the corners of her eyes. "Do you love _her_?" She still has not mustered the fortitude to address me directly.

I turn to Loki with my eyebrows raised. "This should be good," I mutter.

I can see that the God of Mischief and Lies is torn between driving the dagger deeper and possibly hurting me. Always one to be unpredictable, he chooses neither. "Would it matter?"

"I suppose not," she answers softly. "I will always love you, Loki." Finally, she turns to me. "He always returns. _Always_."

I give her a malicious smirk. "I don't think you've ever met anyone quite like me, honey," I start evilly, "I'm not trying to take him from you – I have no intention of ever becoming the doting wife. But know this – I am immortal, just as you are. And I don't plan on going anywhere, so long as your husband stays interesting. And if I've learned anything in the past few days, it's that, with Loki, there's _never_ a dull moment." I try to say the last sentence as suggestively as possible, and, from Sigyn's horrified expression, I succeed.

To my surprise, she delivers a hard slap to my left cheekbone. Loki appears borderline impressed and I fall into a fit of giggles, which seems to unnerve her.

I throw my head back, my giggles giving way to sidesplitting laughter. "Do you like it, Loki?" I manage.

"Like what?" he indulges me. He's wearing that catlike smirk that I find simply delectable.

"That she's willing to fight for you – would you like it if I fought for you, too? If you had women fighting over you?"

His smirk breaks out into a predatory grin. "I think I would like it very much."

I stop laughing abruptly. "Too bad," I deadpan. "Look, sister," I address Sigyn, "there's nothing you can do about it. It is what it is. Just let it happen."

On that note, Odin and Thor return before Sigyn has the opportunity to respond.

"Were the three of you able to work out your differences?" Odin asks as if he is speaking to quarreling children.

"Not exactly," I mumble.

"Pity. However, I'm afraid that's all the time we will be able to dedicate to the subject. Thor, my son, I believe it's time for these two traitors to pay their dues."

A ghost of a smirk crosses Thor's rugged lips and I am pleasantly surprised to see that he has a wicked side. "Yes, father," he answers.

_**Break**…_

In the cave, the dark chamber of tortures, screams, and evil, I am bound. Bound with the one I call my beloved. With Loki. Against a stone, a circular stone, and we are on either side.

Above us, the double-headed serpent.

Above us, the creature of nightmares.

Laughter cannot save me here.

Tricks cannot save me here.

There is darkness.

There is pain.

And there is the poison.

It drips on me, on my face, relentless. Ceaseless.

But it does not touch Loki.

For Sigyn is there, catching the liquid fire before it burns him. His doting wife. The one I mocked is the one who delivers his salvation. Ever loyal, ever in love. Constant, stable, and forgiving.

But she cannot forever prevent his punishment, for she must empty the bowl. And when she does, he howls in agony. He curses her to the deepest depths of hell, calls her useless, calls her wretched, calls her stupid.

Eventually his wrath erodes into simple anguish. Bony fingers entwine themselves with my own, and I realize that Loki, the God of Mischief and Lies, the harbinger of destruction, the ultimate agent of chaos, is _holding my hand._

I want to laugh, I want to scoff, I want to ridicule him. But I cannot, because I am in too much pain.

He is not doing it for himself. He is doing it for me. Because soon, Sigyn will return.

And I realize then, he needs us both.

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_**Author's Note: **_**Please review and let me know what you think!**


	3. The Case of the Missing Hammer

**_Author's Note:_ Hi guys, so my friend curlycue2102 and I wrote this together. Thor is one of the fandoms we both like and she was into the idea of Eris meeting Loki. She's a much better writer than I am, you should all check out her stories! We based this on a story from Norse mythology (you should look it up, it's pretty funny) but changed A TON of stuff. So don't expect this to make much sense from a mythological standpoint...**

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**The Case of the Missing Hammer**

It was a lovely day in Asgard. Not that it wasn't usually lovely, of course, but today was particularly pleasant. The air was brisk, as was characteristic of the season, and the sky gleamed a vivid azure. Nearly the entire realm was outdoors enjoying the blissful weather, including the Asgardian nobility.

Eris had recently caused a bit of a tiff that may or may not have resulted in the Titans being released, and was consequently spending her exile from Olympus as a guest in Odin's palace, much to the whole of Asgard's chagrin. The whole of Asgard _minus_ Loki, of course. Because the mischievous prince had, as of late, been on his best behavior (the term must be applied loosely) for a remarkably long time, Odin was obliged (albeit begrudgingly) to permit his desire to entertain Eris. Needless to say, Sigyn was not pleased.

Eris and Loki were currently roaming the palace grounds, looking to start trouble. Anyone with half a brain darted out of their path as soon as they saw the daunting pair approach.

Thor, apparently, did not have half a brain.

"Hello, dear brother," he boomed upon seeing Loki. He was dressed in unsuitably militaristic attire, donning a bronze breastplate and cape in the middle of the garden. He was noticeably without his beloved hammer, Mjolnir. His blonde locks glimmered in sun's bright rays and his eyes twinkled in affection for his little brother.

The God of Mischief and Lies' lips twisted into a wolfish grin. "Hello, Thor," he replied.

Eris made no attempt to hide her predatory smirk. "_Hello_, Thor," she mimicked in an attempt to provoke the God of Thunder into addressing her. You see, Thor did not approve of Eris' "_friendship_" (he couldn't bear to think of it in any other terms) with Loki. In fact, he did not approve of Eris in _any_ capacity. Her presence in Asgard greatly distressed him. He saw her as a corrupting force, particularly regarding his brother. Unlike the majority of people, Thor did not believe that Loki was truly evil. A bit _misguided_, perhaps, but not lacking the potential for decency. This made Eris nothing more than a setback in Loki's path to righteousness. He much preferred Sigyn.

"Greetings, Lady Eris," he said cautiously.

Eris beamed in response, causing him to grow even more unnerved.

"What, may I ask, are the two of you engaged in?" he inquired.

"Nothing much," Eris chirped naughtily.

"Yes, we are currently unoccupied," Loki confirmed.

Thor's strong brow contorted in thought; the rusty wheels in his mind were turning, and Loki eagerly awaited the pearl of knowledge that his brother was about to impart on him. Finally, he spoke. "I which to discuss with you a dilemma I have been faced with…"

"… But you do not know if you can trust me?" Eris finished.

Thor's hesitation was taken as affirmation.

"Brother," Loki started innocently, "Anything you wish to discuss with me, you may do so freely in Eris' presence."

"But Loki, I do not know if I am comfortable with your friendship with Lady Eris, given the fact that you already _have _a wife."

"Please tell me you are not so naïve as to think that I am the first Asgardian to associate with women who are not my wife, Thor. Why, our own father –"

"That is enough, Loki," Thor interrupted hastily, not wishing to draw attention to their father's infidelity. "The problem is this: I seem to have misplaced Mjolnir."

Loki and Eris shared a furtive moment of sheer glee; oh, how they could have fun with _this_!

"_Misplaced_?" Loki questioned, a dark eyebrow quirked in undisguised curiosity.

"Er – perhaps stolen…"

"But how? Aren't you the only one who can wield its power?" Eris asked.

"Indeed," Thor replied, "Which is why this is quite a grave problem. If any of our enemies learn that my hammer is missing, they may choose to attack. I have asked all the other gods for their assistance, but thus far no one has been able to help."

"I will help you, dear brother," Loki offered earnestly. "I think I may know who has taken it."

_Do you now, dear Loki?_ Eris thought.

"Really? Oh, this is wonderful news! I shall forever be in your debt, if you can think of a way to retrieve it."

"Of course, but first, Eris and I must take a trip to Midgard to confirm my suspicions."

"Certainly," Thor agreed in understanding.

"Come, Eris," Loki said, extending his hand, "Let us depart."

And with that, the pair teleported to Earth.

They arrived in what appeared to be the deserted hallway of some sort of scientific research facility. They knew exactly where they were going; Loki and Eris strode confidently down the corridor and entered the first room on the left. Inside, the lights were off and there was a table and chairs in front of an enormous Plexiglas wall. The wall was clearly meant as some sort of containment enclosure, which became entirely evident when one noticed its contents. Sure enough, inside was an enormous green creature, the Hulk. Loki squinted to see that, in the very corner of the enclosure, lay Eris' Apple of Discord. He then turned on the lights, drawing the Hulk's attention.

The monster pounded on the glass in a fit of rage, but eventually grew bored when neither Loki nor Eris approached him.

"I see you've already been here, my love," Loki mused.

"Oh _indeed_," Eris replied flirtatiously.

"I should have known," he snorted in amusement.

"But you _did_ know," she reminded him.

"Quite." Slowly, he stepped towards the glass. "But I don't see any hammer…"

"You know why he's in there?" Eris prompted.

"I do not."

"He's training. He's trying to learn how to control it," she explained.

"Oh? And is it working?"

"Why don't you see for yourself," she suggested with an evil grin.

Loki looked at her in pure admiration, before phasing into the cell.

The Hulk went ballistic.

"Now Bruce, Bruce," Loki shouted as he hurled forcefully from one end of the room to the other, "I come in peace!"

After several more moments of treating Loki like his most loathed ragdoll, the Hulk finally relented.

"Now," Loki huffed, straightening his coat, "I merely wish to ask you a question." His normally slicked back hair was terribly mussed and his eyes had been robbed of their usual mirth.

The emerald giant looked at the trickster expectantly.

"You see," he began slowly, "My brother has recently lost something of great value, and I happen to suspect that _you _might have it."

"Hammer?" the monster grunted dully.

"Yes, hammer," Loki sneered in a sickeningly sweet tone. Eris half-expected him to toss poor Bruce a dog biscuit.

"I have," he confirmed.

"You do? Brilliant! Now, I'll just be having it back…"

"No."

"_No_?"

"Trade."

Loki could hardly believe his ears. "You're _negotiating_?" he demanded disbelievingly. On the other side of the wall, Eris stifled a giggle. She thought Loki looked incredibly cute and incredibly unintimidating when dealing with the Hulk. He was obviously frazzled, given the unwarranted beating he'd just endured. "Well, what do you want?" he asked finally.

"Jane Foster."

"_Jane Foster_. Oh Eris, you've truly outdone yourself!" He giddily strolled over to the Apple and picked it up; "Room 121" was all that was written its surface. "Room 121," he murmured. "Wait just a moment, Bruce, I'll be back in a tick." Without further ado, he vanished into thin air. Eris followed.

Room 121 was a laboratory. There were several desks, at which various S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists co-existed. Jane was one of them. Upon seeing the two ne'er-do-wells, everyone panicked in a flutter of papers and chemicals. Some brave soul even went so far as to draw a gun. With a bored sigh, Loki raised his hand and froze the scene.

"Still Public Enemy #1, I see," Eris drawled.

"Mortals are _so_ jumpy," he complained. He then leisurely meandered over to one of the desks that was currently unoccupied; sure enough, it was Bruce's. He moved the computer mouse to bring up the desktop. There was a password, but, with a swift smack to the top of the machine, Loki was able to bypass it. "_Now_," he muttered, "Let's see what you've been up to…" The first thing he did was check Bruce's browser history. All of the recently viewed sites read " : Jane Foster." He clicked on the first one, only to see a large, smiling picture of Jane pop onto the screen. "Just as I suspected… Well," he stated resolutely, "It seems as though you have caused Bruce to fall in love with Jane."

"That I have, love, that I have," Eris stated happily.

"My dear, I adore you," Loki said with a wicked grin. He then proceeded to give her a brief kiss, before lifting her small frame off the ground and spinning her around several times as she laughed melodiously. To an ignorant onlooker, they would have appeared to be the epitome of a harmlessly joyful couple. Unfortunately for Erik Selvig, Eris' foot hit him square in the face on one of the twirls.

"Whoops," she murmured insincerely.

"Thor is going to blow a gasket," Loki said, overflowing with unadulterated excitement. "Simply brilliant!" He pressed one last kiss to the crown of Eris' head, before transporting them back to Asgard.

Life in Room 121 resumed in their wake, and a very unhappy-looking Dr. Selvig fell to the floor clutching his face.

Eris and Loki sauntered into the main courtyard of the palace to greet Thor. When they arrived, Eris took a seat on top of one of the stone walls and observed the brothers interact below her as if she were watching a performance.

"Well, Thor," Loki began dramatically, "I come bearing news of Mjolnir."

"Do you?" he replied with undisguised enthusiasm.

"Yes. But the situation presents a bit of a problem."

"In what way? Who has taken it? I shall kill whatever villain dare cross the mighty Thor!" he thundered.

"It was the Hulk, you see."

"_Bruce_?" the other replied, thoroughly perplexed.

"Indeed. And he wishes to negotiate the return of your beloved hammer."

"But brother, I do not understand," he started, "Why would Bruce steal Mjolnir. _How_ did Bruce steal Mjolnir?"

"Ah yes, your confusion is justifiable. I believe it all comes down to one person…"

"Who?"

"Jane Foster."

"_Jane_?" Thor wondered aloud, growing more bewildered by the moment. "What does my beloved Jane have to do with any of this?"

"Jane and Bruce work together in the S.H.I.E.L.D. center for scientific research. They are _colleagues_, Thor," he rephrased in simpler terms.

"But that does not explain how Bruce entered the realm," the God of Thunder protested.

Loki rubbed his temples in exasperation. "Yes, I'm _getting_ to that. I believe that Jane has finally discovered a way travel between Midgard and Asgard."

"Then why has she not come to see me?" he demanded matter-of-factly.

The other man hesitated, so Eris stepped in. "Perhaps she has not deemed it safe to use just yet," she suggested. "And who better to test it than the closest thing the Midgardians have to an immortal – the Hulk."

This response seemed to pacify Thor.

"I spoke to Bruce," Loki began, "And he requested Jane by name. And we checked – what was is? The book of faces?"

"Facebook," Eris assisted with a smirk.

"Yes, the Facebook, and saw that Bruce has been courting Jane for some time now."

"I do not understand what the Facebook is," said Thor.

"It is a computer program that the Midgardians use to stalk one another – but that is irrelevant. The fact of the matter is, Bruce is only willing to trade Mjolnir for Jane's affections."

"Out of the question!" the other boomed in rage.

"But the realm is not safe without Mjolnir," Eris pointed out with hidden satisfaction.

Thor stroked his golden stubble pensively, clearly at an impasse. Finally, Loki spoke. "I have an idea," he said slyly.

"I do not like the look in your eye, brother. I have seen this look many times."

"Just hear me out – _you_ could dress as Jane. All you have to do is convince Bruce that you are in love with him until he returns Mjolnir, after which point you may break the farce."

"That is absolutely absurd," Thor scoffed, deeply offended by the proposition.

"Yes, Loki, who is going to ever believe that Thor is a woman?" Eris piped in. "Not even the Hulk is _that _dense…"

"My love," (Thor fidgeted at the term), "do you doubt my sorcery? And do not be mistaken, the Hulk _is_ a very stupid beast…"

"Is there no other way?" Thor questioned finally.

"Not one that I can think of – but please, if you have any better suggestions, do not hold back."

The looming man stared at his smaller brother in mistrust. However, he knew (unfortunately) that Loki was the cleverest god in the realm.

He sensed Thor's hesitation and added, "If it would make you feel any better, I could go disguised as Jane's human friend."

"Darcy?"

"Sure. Whatever. Such details are of no consequence."

Thor took another moment to think, before finally answering, "Alright. But you must never breathe a word of this to anyone."

"Certainly not!" Loki exclaimed, holding his hand over his heart in mock offense. Eris snickered. The Midgardians had a handy device for these sorts of events – it was called a camera.

"Fine. Just get it over with," he ordered.

The other man ruffled visibly at being bossed around, but snapped his fingers and bundle of clothing appeared. It clearly belonged to a women; Thor warily picked up a pink sundress with his thumb and index finger.

"How is this supposed to work?" he demanded. When he held the dress up, it soon became clear that he would not even be able to fit a single arm into one of the sleeves; his biceps were much too large. Of course, Thor cross-dressing was not necessary for Loki's magic to work – but Thor would never know that.

"Well first, you must take off what you are already wearing," Eris pointed out as if she were speaking to a child. Her eyes danced with sinister delight.

Thor scowled and said, "That is not at all what I meant. These garments will never fit."

With an incensed roll of his eyes, Loki snapped his fingers and the dress grew several sizes. "Now, may we proceed?"

Thor began to remove his armor and noticed Eris watching him like a hawk. "Do you mind?" he snarled.

"Not at all," she retorted without so much as flinching. She continued to unabashedly soak in the sight of his well-sculpted form. As someone who greatly disliked the god, even she had to admit that he was an impressively handsome specimen. She glanced to Loki, only to see him looking perturbed. "Something the matter?" she inquired.

His green eyes scrutinized her and she deliberately cross her legs to reveal a greater portion of her creamy thighs. Loki cocked an eyebrow at the suggestiveness of the act, but Eris only batted her lashes innocuously.

Soon, Thor was clad in the disturbingly short sundress and a white lab coat. He was more irritated than either of them had ever seen him. He looked down at himself and demanded, "Why is it not working? I still look like myself."

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Loki taunted, handing him a part of white stilettos.

Furious, Thor crammed his large feet into the shoes. After Eris and Loki had recovered from a bout of sidesplitting laughter, Loki wiped a stray tear from his eye and snapped his fingers; Thor morphed into the image of Jane Foster and his expression relaxed considerably.

"What about you," he prodded his brother.

Without a word, Loki changed into a buxom brunette that Eris presumed to be "Darcy."

Thor was outraged. "Why wouldn't you tell me you could just do that?" he shrieked, his voice absurdly feminine. He pounded his now-tiny fists against Loki/Darcy's upper arm.

"Think of it as payment for my help, brother," Loki chuckled.

With an enormous grin, Eris hopped down from the wall and morphed into the form of Loki, now towering over her two companions.

"What are you doing?" the real Loki asked dryly.

"Well, Bruce is expecting _you_," she noted, putting her hands on her hips in a very girly fashion. Loki eyed the proceeding in discontent, but did not dispute her claim.

"Fine," he said finally, "Let us travel to Midgard."

_In Bruce's containment chamber…_

When they arrived, the Hulk immediately pressed his fists against the glass and eagerly watched them approach. When he saw Jane, his misshapen face lit up. Thor looked as if he might be sick, and Eris brought Loki and Thor (or, as Bruce saw it, Jane and Darcy) into the cell.

"You see, Bruce," she announced, "I am a man of my word."

"Who is other," Bruce demanded.

"I am Darcy, Jane's friend," Loki sputtered, still not quite past his fear of the Hulk's temper, "She didn't want to be alone with Loki, so she asked me to escort her."

"True, Jane?" grunted the Hulk.

"Yes," Thor answered with thinly veiled wrath.

"Beautiful," he mumbled, using one of his enormous fingers to gingerly touch Thor's hair. It took all of Eris and Loki's self control not to burst into laughter, as Thor stood rooted in place as if he were frozen.

Eris cleared her throat. "Now, Thor's hammer?" she prompted.

Bruce ignored her. "Love me?" he asked Thor.

"Yes, very much," he answered through gritted teeth.

"See? Now, the hammer…"

"In the tunnel," the Hulk finally answered, agitated by Eris' persistence.

"The tunnel?" Eris genuinely did not know what he was referring to.

"Dr. Selvig. Tunnel to center of Earth."

"Right, well, thanks so much for your help," Loki said hastily, "We'll give you two a moment alone." He gave a bawdy wink, before he and Eris vanished.

Still in disguise, they appeared in Room 121, causing a commotion similar to the one they had induced earlier in the day. Loki clicked his tongue in annoyance and again froze the activity. He grabbed Dr. Selvig by the lapels of his lab coat and teleported them to a secluded location in the basement of the building.

"Darcy?" he demanded in disbelief. "What is going on?"

Loki scoffed and resumed his true form.

"Loki," Selvig stated grimly. His gaze flickered to Eris, who was still in Loki's form. "There are two of you."

"Very keen observation, Doctor. Now, I need to know where you've hidden my brother's hammer."

The professor looked very confused. "Thor's hammer is missing? I have no idea what you are talking about. And even if I did know where it was, I would never tell the likes of _you_. And that one – who is that?"

Loki sighed impatiently. "No one. That is no one. And, believe it or not, I'm here on my brother's behalf. It seems that Bruce, while in his _less appealing_ form, has stolen Mjolnir. Consider it a courtesy that I am actually asking you, as opposed to simply _making_ you tell me."

Realization washed over Selvig's features. No one completely knew just how applicable the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde effect was to Bruce's predicament, but it wasn't wholly implausible that the Hulk might do such a thing. While Bruce Banner's morals were noble and clearly defined, the Hulk's were not. He also knew that Loki would not be able to wield the hammer's power, so there was not much danger in telling him its location.

"Bruce and I have been working on a project when he is not training," he stated finally.

Loki broke into a grin. "Yes, I know – the 'tunnel to center of Earth.' He already told me. Where is it?"

"Come with me," he ordered, walking out of boiler room and into the stairwell. Eris and Loki followed hesitantly, unaccustomed to actually physically traveling to their destinations. The whole ordeal seemed unnecessarily cumbersome.

Selvig led them to a large room with a multitude of workers scrambling about in lab coats and goggles. They were on the first story, and the dirt floor and scaffolding made it obvious that this part of the science center had been constructed around the project. In the middle of the room lay an enormous chasm.

The three stepped down a metal staircase and walked towards the railing that encircled the tunnel. Loki climbed over the side and prepared to dive into the abyss; Eris made a move to follow him, but he stopped her.

"I must go alone, my love," he said. "One of the perks of my Jottun heritage is that I am able to lower temperatures, but I do not want to risk your safety."

To everyone in the room, this exchange must have appeared exceedingly strange, given the fact that Loki was, from their perspective, talking to his clone. Selvig furrowed his brow in puzzlement as Eris smiled and said, "Alright, I will meet you back with others." She gave him a peck on the cheek, before he calmly descended into the depths.

The time that Eris and Loki had been gone had felt like centuries to Thor. Pretending to be Jane had been far more difficult than he had ever imagined, and he often caught himself acting in a way that would not have been considered even remotely ladylike (i.e. belching when the fancy struck him – Bruce had seemed to be unexpectedly put-off by this incident).

When what he thought was his brother appeared as Darcy, he had never been happier to see him. Unfortunately for him, it was in fact Eris, not Loki.

"Have you retrieved m-Thor's hammer?" he questioned desperately.

"Loki is in the process of it. I just wanted to check on you two lovebirds and see how everything was going. You know we're supposed to meet er – your _parents_ for dinner soon, right?"

"Bruce has proposed," Thor ground out, "Isn't that _wonderful_?"

"Dear me, yes," Eris giggled, "congratulations!"

"But if you say we must dine with my father and mother…"

Suddenly, Loki appeared with Mjolnir. In his possession, it was nothing more than an ordinary hammer.

"Well, Bruce, it seems you were true to your word," Loki said jovially.

"Yes, well, Darcy and I must go now," Thor said urgently. "I shall rejoin you later, Bruce."

As the three gods turned to leave, the Hulk said, "No. Wait."

They all spun around and looked at the creature expectantly. "Kiss," he said.

Loki and Eris both fell into a fit of violent coughing to conceal their roaring laughter. Thor looked positively dumbstruck, too petrified to even move as Bruce approached him.

His expression was so frightened that even the Hulk noticed something was wrong. "Why she look like that?" he growled, eying Loki mistrustfully.

"She's just so nervous," he barely managed without cackling. "She's waited so long for this m-moment." Eris elbowed him hard in the ribs to prevent him from betraying the sham with his amusement.

Convinced, Bruce continued inching his massive face towards Thor's.

Thor could take it no longer. Still in Jane's form, he extended his hand and summoned Mjolnir from Loki's grasp. He took poor, unprepared Bruce by surprise and smashed him hard in the jaw. His disguise was broken and he was restored to all his Asgardian glory. After a harsh and passionate beating from the God of Thunder, the Hulk was reduced to his human form.

Bruce weakly lifted himself from the ground, completely disoriented.

"What happened?" he muttered, cradling his jaw in pain.

"You do not remember?" Thor demanded gruffly.

"N-no," the man stammered, "In fact, I can't even remember _anything_ from the past few days…"

Thor abruptly turned to Loki and Eris, glaring at them in pure rage. "_You_," he snarled.

Loki and Eris met each others eyes in a mixture of guilt and uncertainty; it was then that Thor finally noticed Eris' golden apple in the corner of the room.

"_You_," Thor repeated caustically.

Eris quickly summoned the Apple and reverted to her true state. "Gotta go," she said hastily. In one swift motion, she grabbed Loki's hand and saluted the others, before disappearing completely.

"ERIS, LOKI, YOU SHALL PAY!" Thor bellowed furiously, now trapped the soundproof enclosure.

And that, my dear reader, was the last time Eris was ever welcomed as a guest in Asgard.

**THE END**

* * *

**_Author's Note: _I hope everyone liked it! Please review! :-) Remember to check out curlycue2102's profile!  
**


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